mindfulness

Why I’m a Fraud

#BP RainWhy I’m a Fraud

Recently I’ve been struggling to write blog posts. The reason I’ve struggled is that it’s hard to write about how all of you can live more mindful, happy lives when I’m not feeling very mindful and happy myself.

And to be honest recently I’ve been fighting the urge to leave it all behind. I felt a strong desire to close my business, shut down my blog, call it quits, and just get a job. A job I know I will find mostly empty and meaningless, but that will provide some security and stability in my life.

And it’s because of these urges, I’ve felt like such a huge fraud. After all who am I to give any of you advice when I feel sad, lost, confused, and hopeless. Who am I to tell you, you can have the life you want, when I’m struggling to pay my bills, find new clients, maintain my habits, and find the energy to keep at it day after day.

And yet, I haven’t quit. And when I wonder why I haven’t walked away, the only thing that I can comes to mind is that this is all I have left.

Before I began this journey of creating a life that was more full of meaning, a life where I lead with my heart, a life where I take care of my body and mind; I felt totally hopeless. I had tried it all, done it all, and found it lacking. All of my dreams and efforts led to the same place, nowhere.

When I discovered mindfulness, everything changed. I was finally able to understand what I was put here on the earth to do. I developed a deep life vow to be of service to others and have been pursuing that vow ever since.

This path that I’ve been walking has had a lot of twists and turns and perhaps this is just another one. And at least for the time being I’m not giving up.

Instead, I’m doing my best to ride these intense waves of fear, doubt, anger, and sadness. I’m doing my best to fight the power of my inner critic, this nagging sense of nihilism, and the urge to engage in self-destructive behavior.

And I’m doing my best to write this post is so that all of you who are struggling will know that you aren’t alone. That even the people who write the blogs you read on the Internet aren’t perfect. They don’t have it all figured out. Often they struggle just as much you.

I hope that whatever obstacles you face today that you will find peace. I hope that you will find ease in the knowledge that you have the tools you need to overcome even this. That even in the darkest moments, the light is nearer than you think.

At least that’s what this fellow twilight dweller is choosing to believe today.

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27 thoughts on “Why I’m a Fraud

  1. First and foremost: I’m sending you Peace and Strength!
    I enjoy your posts for the very reason you stated why you continue to write them =)

    Having the feelings you’re having is normal. Many feel them on the daily and others go through waves and hope you surround yourself with positive people, ideas and things that will inspire you to find balance once again.

    Who said you couldn’t find a career that is maybe 4hrs a day instead of 8hrs a day, that is a steady income AND rewarding? I live that life every day – as a single Parent I am fortunate to do so. I am fortunate to have amazing children that also contribute to my blog and we work together 2-3 times a week each morning on photo shoots and inspiration. It’s slowly evolving as they are and it helps appease my inner turmoil.

    Being a woman that doesn’t like to put” all my eggs in one basket” I like to find many avenues of expression, creativity and income. At times I falter but I succeed many more times!

    Good luck Sir and hope my words bring you a small dash of light.

      • I was born in to turmoil, negativity and am just happy to be alive, truthfully. Parts of me lost, others found and then created – always evolving. When one knows that we should not be here, by all accounts, every moment is just the cherry on top, even the bad ones.
        I’m tirelessly looking to make change, planting seeds and having fun with it. I feed my fashion sense, activism and cultural connect through my blog. My personal life/career continues in the non-profit sector to my constant (numbers, balances and bottom line) that also feeds in to the evolution of my community and peers. The musical aspects of my persona commingles still with my “work” to the point that every day I touch upon all that makes me: business, fashion, music, culture, arts, children = Humanity.
        So I am balanced in my perfectly un-balanced life. I get what I need and always work towards what I want with each breath.

  2. Thank you for your brave honesty. Please do the best thing for you but I for one would miss your blog and your insightful musings. I’m glad you haven’t got it all figured out – I’m suspicious of those that do!!

  3. Thank you for sharing this. Imposter syndrome is an awful awful feeling, but it’s good to know that those of us who feel it aren’t alone. You can get through this and your honesty & vulnerability can only help.

    • Thanks puck. Thank you for reminding me that the imposter syndrome is a known entity. Sometimes it feels like I’m the first person to face these demons even when I know that’s not true. Thanks for telling me I can make it through. I’ll do my damnedest to do just that.

  4. Toku, I have been following your blog for about 6mths.
    I follow a number of these type blogs on the internet.
    Each has something to offer. I rarely comment.
    I take what I can and continue down my path.
    Your post today actually gives you a spark of credibility w/me.

    Everyone is fighting a battle or floating down de NIle in a fog.
    I never consider for a moment that you and all the other blog writers,
    life coaches and spokesman for the Universe have some kind of mystical
    connection to all the answers. What an increbible burden to carry.
    As Robert Persig observed,
    “The only Zen you find on tops of mountains is the Zen you bring there.”

    I have the “mostly empty and meaningless” job. ….but I find what I can do within
    that job everyday to make some meaning in my life and do what I can to
    bring some meaning, through that job, to the people I deal w/everyday.
    I have endured great loss in the past two years. I watched my parents and only sister
    pass over. Through the pain and grief, I have gained a new strength in faith.
    Through that strength in faith, I have prevailed. I continue down my path.
    In the dark of the night, alone, we each must find the way.

    I have been riding the waves of fear, doubt, anger and sadness all my life….
    as I guess most people do. I am finding my way out of the darkness.
    Many of your thoughts have helped.
    So, I suggest that you continue to write. You too, are not alone.
    I’ll see you on the road.

  5. Thank you for sharing your authentic self. Your words touched me at a time when I am struggling to find my way, too. We all do our best to create our own happiness and sometimes I doubt myself, but not my goal. Thank you for inspiring with the truth.

  6. Hi G., A very wise person once said to me that when we make a vow or a strong commitment to a particular path all of a sudden ALL of the obstacles seem to come our way. And in my experience, the depth of our passion seems to be the measure of the obstacles! In other words, the deeper the passion, the more painful the obstacles. WHEW! What I’ve done recently is to get a day job in order to accomplish the vow. I have to be true to the part of me that desires stability and the ordinary. For me, it gives the passionate part that delves into the extraordinary (one’s vow!) something to lean into.I think it also helps the “extraordinary” by giving it room to grow at it’s own pace rather than the pace I “think” I want it to. I also LOVE that my day-job satisfies my inner coyote/outlaw artist self too. I have a (drumroll please) Master’s degree and I wash dishes for a living (part of the time).

  7. The ability to lay your imperfect self out there for all to see is a great thing. It is through seeing others struggles that we realize we are not alone in our brokenness. Seeing you fighting against the some of the same demons as me, is empowering.
    Know that you are not alone. You have made a difference in my life… Because of you I have found my passion again. You gave me the courage to start writing again.
    Thank you!

  8. Thank you, Toku, for sharing the depth of your feelings in every blog – you are a voice of authenticity amidst a commercial chorus of mindless positivity. I always appreciate your honesty in revealing your struggles – it truly does help us remember that we are not alone in dealing with difficult emotions and decisions. Life is a roller-coaster, and I am grateful to share the experience with you through your writing.

  9. Sam,
    Thank you for your honesty in this post. I find it refreshing to know that you go through the same struggles that we all go through, and believe it is important for use to share these struggles with others so that we can know that we aren’t alone in our struggles. Keep up the great work!
    -M

  10. Good post. I think that mindfulness won’t stop my stresses or give me a inner peace 24 7. It just helps to smooth off rougher edges and the meditations help me to try and relax. So I know I will get stressed, but I know that I might get a little window of understanding to help with it!

  11. I love your blog and your honesty. I also teach mindfulness, coach and help others…..and still deal with limiting beliefs and the pain that comes when they rear their head. Just today I felt very reactionary when I discovered that “competition” with similar skills was setting up an office in the group I am part of. That was not supposed to happen, but I it did….and I felt all whiney and powerless when I discovered it.

    Then my mindfulness practice kicked in, I took some breaths, and I decided to look at what was so threatening and deal with it…..that is why we practice!

  12. I want to say I enjoy your posts. I’m rather new to this and admit I have never commented because I feel tiny and inconspicuous. If it were me, especially if I were struggling, I would certainly appreciate the comments though. So, I apologize, for taking and not giving back. I have multiple health problems, most of which I believe have been made much worse due to not managing stress in my life. I was once in a career I loved (organic farming) which paid horribly but I was amazed at how the universe supported me. I donated veggies to a food program and they in turn brought me food when they had excess, things like that. I wish I had been more comfortable accepting those gifts instead of feeling like I was not worthy of them somehow. I was not physically able to continue farming and am now doing work that pays much better but is not the best fit. So, reading these blogs is part of my effort in getting myself into a better place again. Thank you. Anything worth doing is not easy.

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