Recently I’ve been struggling to write blog posts. The reason I’ve struggled is that it’s hard to write about how all of you can live more mindful, happy lives when I’m not feeling very mindful and happy myself.
And to be honest recently I’ve been fighting the urge to leave it all behind. I felt a strong desire to close my business, shut down my blog, call it quits, and just get a job. A job I know I will find mostly empty and meaningless, but that will provide some security and stability in my life.
And it’s because of these urges, I’ve felt like such a huge fraud. After all who am I to give any of you advice when I feel sad, lost, confused, and hopeless. Who am I to tell you, you can have the life you want, when I’m struggling to pay my bills, find new clients, maintain my habits, and find the energy to keep at it day after day.
And yet, I haven’t quit. And when I wonder why I haven’t walked away, the only thing that I can comes to mind is that this is all I have left.
Before I began this journey of creating a life that was more full of meaning, a life where I lead with my heart, a life where I take care of my body and mind; I felt totally hopeless. I had tried it all, done it all, and found it lacking. All of my dreams and efforts led to the same place, nowhere.
When I discovered mindfulness, everything changed. I was finally able to understand what I was put here on the earth to do. I developed a deep life vow to be of service to others and have been pursuing that vow ever since.
This path that I’ve been walking has had a lot of twists and turns and perhaps this is just another one. And at least for the time being I’m not giving up.
Instead, I’m doing my best to ride these intense waves of fear, doubt, anger, and sadness. I’m doing my best to fight the power of my inner critic, this nagging sense of nihilism, and the urge to engage in self-destructive behavior.
And I’m doing my best to write this post is so that all of you who are struggling will know that you aren’t alone. That even the people who write the blogs you read on the Internet aren’t perfect. They don’t have it all figured out. Often they struggle just as much you.
I hope that whatever obstacles you face today that you will find peace. I hope that you will find ease in the knowledge that you have the tools you need to overcome even this. That even in the darkest moments, the light is nearer than you think.
At least that’s what this fellow twilight dweller is choosing to believe today.